“The Overall Sense of Struggle & Survival” – @abucalves

“Top 5 dead or alive, and that’s just off one LP”

This line uttered by Jadakiss for a long time described one of my personal top 5, Joe Budden.

In 2019, Joe is one of the most influential people in the world of hip-hop. His twice-weekly podcast is one of the first outlets people to turn to when they want to hear discussion on the latest happenings in hip-hop But in 2003, Joe Budden was an up and coming rapper releasing his debut album.

In a post Get Rich or Die Tryin world, journalists described everyone as their label’s answer to 50 Cent. Freeway was the Roc’s, Cassidy was Ruff Ryders’ and Joe Budden was Def Jam’s. This was a purely superficial comparison, as sometimes the only connection between 50 and those artists was mixtapes.

Joe’s debut album came hot off the heels of a mixtape run, started off on DJ Clue tapes then expanding. His freestyles gained attention from iconic record label Def Jam, who put his street single Focus on the classic game Def Jam Vendetta. His next single, Pump It Up, was a smash…

Those who picked up the album based on the freestyles and singles might have been surprised by what they heard. Instead of opening with an upbeat, punchline heavy track, Intro featured a brooding track with moody guitars with the opening lines exhibiting the honesty that Joe would become known for

“The time is finally near, it’s getting closer I’m finally scared,”

What followed this was 14 more songs, some of club songs, some girl songs, but what stood out to me was the introspective tracks. I remember first listening to this album, I didn’t know anything about Joe, beyond his appearance on Def Jam Vendetta. Someone told me he could get me a copy and got me a bootleg of the album. After the intro, the next song that stood out to was Walk With Me. Another gloomy beat, asks listeners to come and walk with him as he laments on the paranoia following his signing, from old friends and long lost family members trying to get on, to the suspicion he was going through his old hood, as more and more people begin to recognize him.

On the second verse, many of the themes that we have heard from Joe both as a rapper and a personality crop up. He reveals some of the issues he has with his baby mother, and we even get a mention of his son Trey

“If you met my baby moms would you notice
If she was ready for a child of if her ass had an ulterior motive
I don’t know what she’s teaching Trey but everday he get older
Angie’s bitter and feel like now that I’m successful I owe her
Cause she would hold me so tight when I was ready to relapse
Tell me to relax, I ain’t know no better straight out of rehab
Bottom line I was lonesome
But we was wrong for each other, Angie I grown some”

Seeing Joe reconcile with his son has been one of the highlights of seeing him mature in front of our eyes. The next part of the verse deals with his relationship with Def Jam, which would go on to become tumultuous following this album.

“Got bigger issues, if you went to Def Jam would you notice
If they was out for my best interest or do they just see a dollar in Joseph?”

16 years later, this is something Joe is still dealing with. This past year on the podcast, he spoke about how the label is treating Future, that this is someone who is potentially going through serious issues, but his record label is using it as a marketing ploy. Joe throughout his career has been concerned for artists over the machine, and this was evidenced as far back as the first album.

The next highlight for me is Calm Down. Across some emotional keys and horns (what more can you ask for from a beat? Flutes? Unleash the flutes on ‘em Guru) Joe pens a letter to his mum, at first blaming her for his addiction, but by the end of the song recognising that she would always be there for him, showing gratitude for all the support and the praying his mum did for him.

3 songs later is what might be my favorite and a song I feel gets forgotten about because of the song that follows and that is “Stand Up Nucca.” For 48 bars Joe relays different scenarios of people who beat the system, some of my favorites being:

“And run from the cops cause you know the streets better”

“Pop can’t be found, hand me down
When you the oldest out of five, hold the family down”

“Got charged before, strap a gun anyway
Took the state’s lawyer, but you won anyway”

Joe closes the verse with a line that I made my MSN screen name for the longest time

“Stand up cats beat the odds by far
Real recognize real, R.R.R”

On the intro to the song Joe says

“It’s not an introduction, it’s more like a beginning
It’s like the calm before the storm
I guess you can sorta call it, the rebirth
Or the birth period… it’s the growth.”

The Growth was set to be the follow up to this album but was delayed by Def Jam and was never released. Growth is an interesting word to use for someone like Joe Budden, who some of us have seen grow and mature over these past 16 years. So while the album never came out, Joe’s career following this album has been growth.

Stand Up Nucca leads directly into 10 Minutes, which is considered one of the classic Joe Budden tracks. Presented as Joe opening up while on a 10 minute smoke break, he speaks on his father’s incarceration, spitting a line that would echo around my head for years:

“Some days I don’t wanna be bothered
Some days I just miss my father”

The last verse sees Joe baring his soul, describing an affair with a married woman. We get a snippet of the story and we are promised to get an update on a later mixtape track

“Then the mistress, yeah, the girl from “10 Minutes,” it’s her
Now I’m needin’ 10 minutes from her
I can’t get into it, but I want y’all to know
That I’ll get into it, but I’ll save that for The Growth”

While the album came out, this longstanding narrative we have seen of Joe Budden is partially why people are so drawn to his music. Through various mediums, we have seen his life play out over 16 years. The honesty he exhibits is why Joe has such a passionate fanbase, there are people who have seen him at his very worst, so when we see things like him reconciling with his son, his picture with Hov, him getting the Spotify deal, a part of us is there with him. And Joe has always been very upfront about it.

And how does a white, British teenager relate to Joe Budden? On the surface not at all, after all, I had not gone through any of the experiences that 23-year-old Joe had been through at the age of 13. But the overall sense of struggle and survival is something that resonated with me. My dad passed away in the year 2000, I was just 11 years old. The following years were odd, to say the least, you are in a particularly weird place following the loss of a parent, especially in those formative years. So his music, while maybe not speaking on issues directly affecting me, had an overarching sentiment of enduring through it all, and that always stuck with me.

With this album, Joe Budden went into my top 5. Following the album, Joe released Mood Muzik. For many who had only heard Pump It Up, these mixtapes were a shock to the system, but for those who had picked up his debut (even if it was a bootleg), we knew this introspective music was always part of his sound. This willingness to share meant Joe would become a major influence on the current sound of hip hop, even if people don’t acknowledge it.

If you’re interested in sharing a story on how music affected or changed your life, or you just want to speak to the people, you can submit it here.

“It Took Me To A Place Of Peace…” (@olyounginjared)

Alright, I’m a 21-year-old white kid from the little known place of Newfoundland & Labrador Canada. It’s a disappointing place filled with drug addicts & crime. Nothing to really do & no one doing anything with their lives. Our weather is in the negatives 75% of the year, so mental health issues are huge here.

I was super late to Joe Budden fan base. I heard All Love Lost the April of my senior year. It was a super tough year for me… I lost all my friends, I was fighting addiction & suicide, my parents were going through this really fucked up divorce, my father could get a lil’ abusive.

When I heard what Joe was saying in these records it blew my mind, it took me to a place of peace for some time. Fast forward to February of graduating, I finally kicked my addiction (just got the three-year mark), but I lost my job due to travel issues so I had to go on unemployment & never got outta the crib much. I would take walks around the city & blast that album from beginning to end as a way to cope.

I found the podcast maybe March of graduating & was enthralled by the antics & honest convos. I haven’t missed an episode since. They’ve helped me through super dark times. My moms’ new marriage is falling apart & ruining our living situation, work continues to be super tough & toxic. I put them on tho & it makes everything a lil’ easier, even if I don’t laugh, they all just help me.

I’m so thankful for y’all & look up to y’all more then I’d like to admit. The things you do for all of the fans is incredible.

 

If you’d like to submit your story and how music helped you, Joe Budden or not, you can do so here.

View the last blog post in which I interviewed Jared Azaziah, also known as @Darknightmusic, who helped produce a number of Joe Budden records and more: https://bit.ly/2QvmQl3

“Truth Be Told…” (@acelucky)

“Truth be told, God been lookin’ out so much rhat I feel guilty when I ask him for more.”

Where do I start?

The year is 2003 and its summer and I’m about to be a senior in high school and CD’s are still a thing now, and the first time I came across Joe Budden music was yup you guessed it ‘Pump it up’. You couldn’t run away from that song at that time especially since they play that song a lot for warm-up music during high school sports. So, I bought the album and was blown away by how different his commercial singles compare to his album songs. Songs such as ‘Walk with me’ and one of my personal favorites 10 minutes spoke to me. From the first album I’ve been a day one fan, I like the fact Joe has said the things I’ve always wanted to say when it comes to dealing with depression, anxiety, relationship, and the everyday struggle of life (pun intended).

So, I go to college in the fall of 2004 waiting for the next Joe Budden. Come to find out that Joe got stuck in the Def Jam limbo with no new project coming out. A year later just browsing through my normal hip-hop websites I find out that Joe released Mood Musik 2, so of course, I downloaded the mixtape and Joe again proved why he is one of my favorite rappers. The standout tracks in my eyes where Are you in that mood yet? If I die tomorrow, Three sides to a story, Dumb out. I could name more songs of that mixtape but Joe delivered on Mood Musik 2.

So fast forward to 2007, it was a rough year for me. I wasn’t going to graduate in time due to all the partying and women chasing I was doing. The people who I thought were my friends weren’t really my friends in my time of need. I’ll spare the details but Mood Musik 3 got me through that tough period. I took two years off from school to sort my life out and mature as a person. I eventually graduated from college in 2010, and I took the worse job you can take for a person with a college degree. I got an overnight shift where I work from 3pm-12am and I had to work on the weekends.

Can you imagine being 24 years old and having to work overnight and have no social life? During that time my state of mind was not in a good place, I was missing out on life and was depressed. All I did was go to work and come home I barely saw my friends due to my work schedule. And just like clockwork Joe dropped Mood Musik 4 which came in at the right time for me. I don’t know how he does it but Mood Muzik 4 got me through that dark period. I eventually left that place and got a better job that has allowed me to have a life.

To wrap this up I’ve been fortunate to see Joe live twice once with Slaughterhouse and another by himself when was still dating Kaylin. I don’t know if he will ever read this but Joe, thank you for the impact you have made in my life and others who suffer in silence when it comes to mental health especially in the African American community where mental health is a big stigma. I hope more and people find your music and can get through their challenges in life as you have done for so many others. I’m happy that you found happiness with Cyn and your relationship with Trey has gotten better.

Want to share your story? You can do so here.

Feelings I Can’t Explain (@ohshitamexican)

The first song I ever heard by Joe Budden (aside from Pump It Up) was Devil In My Room. I found it by searching for songs featuring Crooked I. 

For over 11 years now I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Hearing Joes verse and how that song was put together opened up the door for me to his music and his art. It all hit close to home, I continued that night downloading all his work and listening and breaking down lyrics.

I think i was a sophomore in high school at the time. I remember the second time I wanted to kill myself, I was in my car, on the highway that goes through the mountains playing Runaway, every word was hitting me, I was going 95 on a 55, ready to hit the wall and go off that mountain. I couldn’t even see the road, I remember tears and yelling and the feeling like I couldn’t breathe and the feeling of “I’m really about to do this.”

Before I knew it I was already back on the regular roads, I didn’t even realize I “missed” my opportunity… I kept driving for another 3 hours playing that song. I felt so alone but yet, I felt like someone understood the pain and the feeling of that loneliness.

The first time, I wanted to kill myself, Only Human was on, I have battled with my belief in God, I’m still unsure of where I stand. But that entire song, broke me down. Everything I couldn’t explain, was explained in that song. The conversations with his mother, the hook Emanny, had I dont think many understand not having faith, but praying for someone or something to come help you and lift you up and make you stronger.

You ever been to the point where you are hysterical? where you are laughing and have tears running down your face? where you have nothing but fear, because you’re afraid of yourself?

I was shaking, I was alone, but I had music.I had something to talk to me because i couldn’t talk to myself. I could go on and on and break down lyrics or songs by Joe that have helped me in dark times, even when I’ve just felt lost or confused with feelings i cant explain. 

But music is powerful, its an art that many take for granted. Im grateful for artist that use their platform to help rather than profit. I relate to this man and his music, failed relationships, caring too much for people that don’t seem to have that same energy for you, but at the same time hurting those who care about you and acknowledging that, yet still doing it.

I struggle till this day at the age of 21, with this feeling, trying to be strong for my loved ones. Seeing where Joe came from, seeing all he struggled with, seeing how hated he was, to seeing him be accepted by the mainstream community. Its great to see, seeing Cyn and him, compared to where he was with Tahiry and Kailyn, its refreshing. When I first heard “I Wanna Know” I couldn’t stop playing it, hearing the words “God this was more like the fucking love I was looking for” brought out such a raw emotion. I want that, and I wanna live to see that for myself.

I may never be able to tell this to Joe, but Thank You for helping us, and helping me.

If you’re interested in sharing your story. You can do so here

“All in My Head” (@jeffry13)

I got introduced to Joe Budden a bit later than most of the people did that have written these incredibly personal letters. I am writing this after being inspired by @eyequotebudden‘s letter, it was so open and got me into a headspace that a lot of Budden songs take us all to.

I found Joe at the No Love Lost album which, as most people feel, was by far the most commercial of his offerings and one that is not widely discussed. I wasn’t in a depressed state listening to this record but had gone through a lot of relationship issues which is where I found his records talking to me.

The First one that grabbed me was ‘You and I’. At that time I was dating my current wife and hadn’t exactly done the right thing by her at that point, this song spoke to a lot of the issues and baggage that we were going though, while also speaking to how I really felt about her. From that song I found Castles and most importantly “All in My Head”.

I had been a successful functioning addict/alcoholic for a long time and the first time I heard that song I must have played it 100 times. I had legit tears trying to come out on my ferry ride into my job in NYC. It was the first time felt I had someone experiencing the same shit as me and Joes ability to put those feeling into words on Runaway is probably the reason I still listen to as much content as I can get from him.

The fandom really set in and will never leave once I heard Some Love Lost. I don’t believe there is a more emotional, introspective or powerful song that I have ever heard than Only Human. The songs off SLL took me back through a really ugly, beautiful, painful, off and on relationship I had for over 7 years. To this day, other than maybe Reasonable Doubt, SLL is the album I’ve listened to the most.

These songs helped me deal with the lack of closure in my relationship, helped me be accountable for my actions towards my ex and most importantly value and treat my relationship with my future wife the right way.

To Joe Budden and all of his loyal fans all I can say is thank you. Reading the quoted lyrics, hearing his podcast with Rory and Mal and seeing his growth with his new son and Cyn really should be his biggest inspiration to us all. To be where he is now after listening to him talking about trying to write the suicide note on Only Human hopefully gives a lot of the fans out there dealing with depression or relationship issues a glimmer of hope. I am going into 2018 trying to really end my relationship with alcohol, I tried to stay away quoting a ton of lyrics but this one still hits home and I’m hopeful I can move past this vice to be a better Dad and husband.

All Love Lost intro “like when you can’t think, talking like you don’t drink but sneaking around your own kitchen cause you gotta get a swig in, I got issues weed and vodka will settle some ain’t that the pot calling the kettle one.

Lastly I have an old close friend that is struggling with depression. I am too far away to give him a hug everyday so I try to help from afar. He is a huge fan of heavy music that is surely not rap. I am hopeful he can find a couple Budden songs that may help make his day a bit better or at least show him there’s a lot of us out here dealing with this hurt and most importantly helping each other through it.

 

Want to share your story? You can do so here. 

I Was One Long Line Away From The Tetris… (@EyeQuoteBudden)

Words are powerful.

I was never good at being able to express my feelings and my emotions. There were few to none who understood me, and if they did, it would soon be used against me and I’d be kicked to the curb.

It was a never-ending cycle trying to find comfort in a world where I felt so distant.

As we all know, we suck at explaining how we feel or how depression took over. I mean, that’s why we are all Budden fans in the first place so we wouldn’t have to explain it but I’ll do my best, haha.

I can’t pinpoint the exact time I started listening to Joe’s music. I had known about Slaughterhouse, but I probably jumped on his solo stuff later than most. I’m not going to lie and say I was there for the release of the debut album or Mood Muzik 2 because I wasn’t, but dammit it did not take me long to do my research.

Someone who was able to describe the darkest times and the deepest of demons they faced on a daily basis made my stomach drop. It felt like for the first time, someone shared the same sentiments.

You know those people who say “I understand” but you know they really don’t get it? Yeah, this wasn’t that. It was different, very different.

I created this Twitter account (Formerly known as @_BuddenQuotes) five years ago this past October. I created the account because I tweeted way too much depressing stuff on my own Twitter account and none of my friends would understand it even if I tried to explain it to them. Various people would ask if I was okay, but again, nobody understood the concept of my thoughts. They were too twisted for a kid who was supposed to be enjoying life.

I wanted to connect with other people who felt the same passion in music that I did. I wanted to tweet out lyrics and music where nobody would judge me or laugh at me. I cared that much.

I have met some of the most incredible people on that app. You all have no idea. Some of my best friends to this date all exist because of the same interest – Joe Budden’s Music.

For years, depression kicked my ass. What’s tough to explain to people is I grew up in a household where there were no issues. My parents are still married, my grandparents on both sides watched me graduate from high school and college, and I lived comfortably my whole life.

The upperclassmen years are where things started and unraveled for the next number of years. I told myself I wasn’t going to put any Budden quotes in this piece but you know the lyric “Got ruined in my youth when the first one got the best of me. When she said she’d never leave then she left… Fuck y’all expect of me?”

Yeah, that one hit me hard years later. My issues started with relationships. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I cared and loved hard, and I hit the ground way too many times yet never learned from it.

There were two women I got absolutely traumatized over and it ruined me forever. Time, thoughts and feelings were invested on both sides and I couldn’t ever comprehend how someone would just up and quit on you with no explanation.

There were multiple people I got involved with and no matter how I handled things, I was treated like shit. No apology, no closure, nothing. This wasn’t a one or two time thing, it happened over and over. There was a feeling of resentment, and that I wasn’t good enough for anything. Those are dark days.

When you think you’ve found that person and you get stabbed in the back, there’s a feeling that absolutely nothing will cure it. Friends came, friends left, it became normality. You think you found this cure, but one day it no longer exists. All the work you put in and you’re back to square one. I was one long line away from the Tetris…

For a number of years, I turned to abusing pills and grabbed anything I could get my hands on. Nothing incredibly serious but enough to get me through the day. The dangers became the nights where I would mix them with alcohol. Doctors would prescribe anti-depressants but they only made me worse.

My most serious relationship came in college. It was on and off and incredibly unhealthy. I had told her about my addiction, and after a breakup when I gave her pills I had on me because I didn’t trust myself, she threw them back in my face.

You know those distinct times in your life when you remember you were at the lowest of lows? I can pick the times and places on one hand.

I tried to show a lot of people over the years what I listened to and I would get weird responses or reactions. There was no point of trying, but I figured Joe could explain it better than me!

Many days my heart was heavy and my brain would move 110 MPH. I would overthink things and I would dwell on stuff way too long.

There were multiple times I considered ending things once and for all. There was a time around Christmas where one of my best friends knew about my struggles and he was on one of those day one guys who had been supportive and was always there when needed.

As life has it, two weeks following a conversation with him, his younger brother took his own life. I felt like shit. I didn’t know what to say, or how to be there for him.

Here I am talking about my struggles, and this happens? Why God? What are you trying to show me? What are you trying to tell me? WHY ARE YOU HURTING PEOPLE AROUND ME INSTEAD OF ME?

The premise of this isn’t about all the people I’ve lost over the years because we all have lost loved ones and friends and it doesn’t make it easier for one person over the other.

Though, 2017 was rough for me in that department. Some things will never be the same for me again after losing one of my best friends, losing my grandfather, and watching my love for Linkin Park remain more than ever after getting my heart ripped out of my chest.

The music from Joe allowed me to cope. It allowed me to cry. It allowed me to laugh. And it sure as hell allowed me to scream some “Fuck you’s” in a couple different directions.

I found a passion with writing. I would vent out my own thoughts, put them in poem form or song form. It was a way of escaping and creating my own OLS version of something.

For those wondering, “Runaway” is probably still the song to this day that I most relate to.

I can truly and honestly say that I do not know where I would be today without music from Mouse. I hold music at such a high regard across the board. It means the world to me. Much more than ANYONE will understand. Except for you all.

As for me today, I’m better than I have ever been. A couple years back I voiced my concerns to my parents and I come to find out, I am part of a family who has a history of depression. Who knew? I visited a therapist for some time and it allowed me to vent and share things I haven’t shared before.

I love hearing people’s thoughts or seeing their reactions when sharing such personal situations. The moment I get preached at, critiqued or criticized, I shut down. I don’t want to hear it. Talk to me like a human being and give me insight. Not the same “you just need to do this” bullshit and it’ll all be fine. That’s not how this works. At all.

I don’t abuse pills anymore. Just passed the four-year mark staying clean in that area, which is a blessing.

I know a lot of you would like to know the real me, the guy behind the account. I’ve chosen to remain anonymous, with the exception of alerting a chosen few, about who I am for a couple reasons.

I never created this account to send people over to my personal account. It was never to build followers or anything like that and I never wanted it to be viewed that way.

Second, I have real conversations with a lot of you with no bias or judgement of who I really am coming into play. It’s strictly ‘EQB’ and someone else who I can level with. The conversations and connections I have strictly on the level of music are one of a kind and I always wanted it to remain that way, having the same love in music and support for each other (Not saying any of you would change your views, but it’s just how I’ve viewed it).

There will come a day where I will share it. I promise. It may come as a surprise to most of you, but I haven’t been to a Joe Budden show and I have yet to meet him. I still have a goal to meet him some day and tell him in person. That would be kinda dope to me. Long shot, but you never know.

I feel like I’m leaving a lot out of this. I didn’t really want to dive into all kinds of songs and lyrics and albums because I’d be here all day. We can revisit that one day if you’d like. If you all have questions, thoughts, suggestions, I’m open to it all.

I have appreciated every one of you who has sent in their stories and I hope more of you continue to do the same. This platform I created, isn’t for me, it’s for YOU. Nobody is abnormal, nobody needs to feel like an outcast, we are all family.

 

Thank you for being you.

 

-EQB

All I Would Say is… “Thank You” (@IamBogart)

Like most rap fans I became aware of Joe Budden when I first saw the Pump it Up video. I was like that dude is nice and the song was catchy.

I thought nothing else of it cause at the time I was No Limit, Cash Money, Bad Boy and Jay-z crazy.

It took me to get locked up and have to do 5 years straight to become a true fan.This is 2002 at the time. One of the inmates in the prison I was in had Joe Budden first album on cassette tape.

He let me listen to it and I damn near broke his tape from playing it so much. Walk with me, 10 minutes, calm down, RRR, hit home.

I was in prison with guys with football numbers. When I got out in 06, I went back to whatever was hot at the time. I came across Joe’s mixtapes and became a fan all over again.

Fast forward to 2013 and my 18 year old daughter gets locked up for murder. I bring that up because up until that point I was going through similar bs with my baby momma just like Joe did. After her incarceration I became depressed and suicidal. Black cloud, momma said, broken wings, aftermath, and many other songs help me through my depression.

Growing up in the hood like many guys I too wanted to be a rapper and continued to write while I was locked up. When Joe came out with all love lost I had an idea from watching battle rappers use schemes in their battles, to use Joe Budden song titles to create a piece to give to him at his concert.

I got to the meet and greet late but Parks got Joe to sign it for me. I knew then that this was my way to show my writing skills. Since my first Joe Budden piece I have made pieces for Jim Jones, Jadakiss, Curren$y and Dave East. If it wasn’t for Joe Budden inspiring me through his music I never would have met many of my favorite artists.

When Joe Budden released Rage and the Machine I redid his piece and gave it to him at his show. My grandma passed away this March. She was my sun, my everything and I became depressed again. Once again Joe Budden’s music helped me get through that tough time and on the days since then that I find myself missing her so much.

He is truly one of the G.O.A.T. ‘S. I know I’m not the only one who has been touched by his music. I am truly a Joe Budden Stan and if I ever meet him again all I would say is thank you for making music that regular people dealing with regular problems can relate to.

I must admit I am one of the fans who miss emo Joe and would love a OLS 5 and I can remember Joe tweeting that he may never find love and true happiness in a relationship before he met Cyn. I may want more emo Joe but I’m happy that he found happiness and is now an inspiration to those going through depression that there is sunshine after the Black Cloud.

Want to submit your story? You can do so here.

I’ll cut it short, before I start feelin’ like a Stan (@99SpaceKid)

As a kid, my older sister would turn to MTV to listen to music before we headed off to school. One of the songs that stuck out to me was Mocking Bird by Eminem.

Years after, I met a friend who had My Band by D12 on his iPod. A few more years go by, and I hear Not Afraid by Eminem on the radio; his skill/wordplay made me a fan. I began to searching for more of Em’s music and in 2013, I stumbled upon the Shady 2.0 Cypher. Joe’s verse caught my attention with his punchlines that weren’t over-the-head but extremely clever :

Say I’m from the new school/
I’ma say, “Check your tone and watch your mouth!”/
If they teachin’ how to Dougie, I’m condonin’ droppin’ out/

 

You Super Mario thugs is in the wrong room/

Gotta figure here you won’t get bigger if you on shrooms

 

Is it me, or is what I’m hearing just pitiful?/
Airwaves the same, now the stereo’s typical/
My skin’s thick, so the critics ignored/
So unafraid to die you’d think I did it before/

Along with each member’s verse rivaling Em’s, I decided I needed to hear more from the rappers.

After learning the group’s name, I began diving into Slaughterhouse and found songs Move on and Monsters In My Head; I felt their emotions while they kept it lyrically preeminent (e.g. Playing with the monsters like a Space Jam sequel).

Early in my youth, I became aware that I wasn’t the social type and found myself secluding myself from people and felt comfortable alone. I noticed that that wasn’t the case all the time, there were moments where I looked to be the center of attention. Where i would hope to be the recognized as the class clown.

I held my breath the entire time listening to Monsters in Head. I listened to the song at least three times back-to-back before school one morning. I felt as if the song was written about me, who else hid behind jokes? Who else couldn’t focus in school because they couldn’t sleep the night prior?

This was the beginning of my freshmen year in highschool. Towards the end of the first semester, I lost a friend in a car accident, I tried not to let it get me down but it did and that depressed state lasted a very long time, longer than usual; it got to the point that it wasn’t even about the loss anymore. I started constantly feeling tired. I felt like I wasn’t in control anymore and floated through my days.

I was aware that I wasn’t okay, but I didn’t think I had to seek help and decided it was something that would fix itself with time. This brought about another episode of withdrawal and I needed to be alone. I’m not a fan of venting because of my lack of trust in people so I had Joe vent for me on Black Cloud. I felt that no one knew me or that i didn’t understand myself even with being aware of some characteristics.

A bit down the road, I discovered Joe’s Mood Muzik 4 and his words on Sober Up described how I perceived myself to be:

Half the time I’m arrogant, other times I’m vengeful/
At times it’s to convince me, at times it’s to convince you/
Done a lot of wrong but I ain’t never felt resentful/
It’s been so many times, I lost track of who to repent to/
Half the time I’m in the cut, don’t want you to notice me/
Grow with me and you’ll see that I’m only awkward socially/
Half the time I’m spiteful, double barrel rifle/
I owe so many payback, I feel like I got a right to/

I had found a song that reflected me. Before slaughterhouse, I listened to some Linkin Park (RIP Chester) and Kid Cudi. Their music is also known to help people through their difficult times but wasn’t as relatable to me quite like Joe’s music.

Songs like Hiatus, Castle, Stuck In The Moment, Only Human, Black Cloud, Different Love and Skeletons helped me escape my confusion, anger, and anxiety.

His lyrics, I’m sure, helped a lot of people though their own difficult times, seeing them state their gratitude in the YouTube comment sections.

Joe, along with the rest of Slaughterhouse, reignited my love for bars and appreciation of content. They gave so many quotables. Their transparency and humility in their music made it feel as they’re having a conversation with me. Which in itself was very therapeutic. I feel indebted for the help they provided me, leaving me with one thing left to say:

Thanks, Joe, for helping me out in whatever i was going through. Thus, I feel like I got the most important part of Joe. (Pause).

P.S. Joe, Leak the Glasshouse Album.

-Miguel, the SpaceKid.

 

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Please Somebody Help My Soul… (@Exxxes)

It was 2008 and my world as I knew it took a turn.

I know how cliche and dramatic that may sound, but thats honestly how I felt. Everything around me was changing. I guess depression just stepped in, and took over shit like it’s known to do. I started to distance myself from everyone. It’s like my whole mind flipped a switch. I felt nothing. No matter what I took.

Well one day I was at the little corner store by my house buying blunts and they were playing Mr. Mister’s “Broken Wings.” I left and went about my business but I had the chorus stuck in my head. I just kept saying it to myself over and over.

So I did what everyone else was doing back in 2008. I went to Limewire and searched for the song. I downloaded 3 or 4 of them to compare the quality or see if it was one of those damn Bill Clinton messages. Well one of them happened to be Joe Budden’s “Broken Wings.”

Now I’m not going to lie, I laughed for a moment at the fact that he still made music after the whole “Pump It Up” just like anyone who isn’t  aware of his talent. But I gave it a chance. I figured it wasn’t going to kill me. And my curiosity got the best of me.

I turned up my speakers on my laptop and pushed play. It started off with Mr. Mister but I already figured it was a sample he used. So I kept listening and then here came Joe. The voices ain’t leave yet, their just getting their feet wet. Eyes red, I’m up, ain’t been to sleep yet. Damn near two days ain’t even eat yet. And I stopped the song.

I had to go back a couple seconds (9 if we’re being technical) and replay it again. I couldn’t believe that in a matter of seconds this man single handily described me in that moment.

I continued to listen to the song and felt this immense amount of emotions fall over me. Let me teach you a little something ’bout depression. Ain’t shit you could do to me I ain’t already thought about doing to myself. And I cried.

Because I was at that point in my life where I contemplated whether or not if I wanted to be alive. And in that moment, he saved my life.

After the song finished, I played it again. And probably a hundred times after that. I listened to it until I knew it word for word. I even looked up the lyrics to make sure I had the words right. It was like from my heart through his words, he understood.

Fast forward to a year later, 2009. By now I’m stanning for Joe and trying to put everyone I know, or rather those who stuck around, on to Joe’s music. I always started them where I first discovered him, Broken Wings. Some laughed me off while the selected few I really wanted to share his music with felt what I did when they listened to him.

By now it’s getting closer to Padded Room’s release. I was so excited that I took the day off work just so I could go to Best Buy and get my copy. I wanted to be sure to show my support. Plus, I needed some new Joe in my life. Especially considering that it was that time again where everything went dark.

I got my copy and immediately put it in my CD player in my car. And I played it start to finish until I got home. When I did, I played it on my laptop. I listened to it over and over. Now I know that album wasn’t popular amongst a lot of fans, but at that time, it was something I needed which is why it means something to me.

 

Exxxes turned out to be my favorite song. Now I know a lot of people thought the song was about a woman named Ashley. Especially considering that’s what he says. She don’t got a name so for now let’s call her Ashley. But I knew it was more than that.

After a year of listening to nothing but Joe nonstop, I knew that there was much more. And then I figured it out. Know everything about her though we never had a convo. Pops wasn’t around much, her mother raised her. Got so much in common that I don’t like to face her. And once again, in that moment he saved me.

I know that Joe hears that a lot. How he has impacted so many lives. But I personally want to thank him for saving me from myself. Had it not been for him and his music, I would not be here today. Life is not easy. Especially with living with depression. But because of Joe’s music, I’ve found a way to get through even my darkest days. And for that, I am forever thankful.

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Hope for the Hopeless

They say you have never really lived until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.

I’m sure looking back to when Joe first picked up a mic, his intentions and thought process wasn’t “I am going to save lives doing this”. I don’t think all artists are able to cultivate and share their craft in such a way that the outcome is the reason someone is still alive today. It definitely takes a special type of person…not just your average Joe if you know what I mean.

I’ve had the opportunity on a small scale to look Joe Budden in the eyes via meet and greets, and thank him from the bottom of my broken heart for keeping me alive and more importantly to me, keeping my brother alive. My brother was born with a genetic lung disease called Cystic Fibrosis (CF) that hospitalizes him many months out of the year EVERY year. The amount of adversity, uncertainties, pain, suffering and unfairness I’ve watched this kid bear his 26 years of life is insurmountable. To me, there is not another soul stronger. In turn, his health along with my own issues life has thrown at me has forced me to grow up quicker than I should have, bear more than I should have, and experience way more than I ever should have in my 28 years of life. But as weird as it sounds, I’m thankful for it.

These are the cards we’ve been dealt and it has brought us closer and made us stronger than ever and in so many times of complete and utter disparity and hopelessness, the two of us have found comfort, calm, and REASON to pull through to the next day using Joe’s music as the catalyst. In Joe’s exact words in response to a letter my brother gave him years ago he’s, “Providing hope for the hopeless.”

My brother was the first person who introduced me to Joe’s music. At the time I had no real connection to any artist and truly didn’t have a real grasp on hip hop in general other than what was on the radio. I was (and still am if that’s any consolation) a walking contradiction. I was/am misunderstood but fought to be understood, at a standstill but moving at the speed of light, emotional but logical (both to a fault), not wanting to be heard but to be felt, deserving everything but nothing at all and overthinking it all every step of the way…

Then the song “Black Cloud” came on. I think I cried (like ugly Kim K cry) listening to it as corny as that may sound because it’s not really your “cry” type of song. I must of played it 1000 times driving from Georgia to Florida when my brother first played it for me. At one point he looked at me like, “umm…you do know he has other songs right? Like…ones just like this if not better/equally as relatable”. I still to this day do not  have another song that tops Black Cloud for me but that song triggered something in me. I needed to go back and do homework so that I could somewhat stand with the day 1 fans that were there from the start. I wanted to learn all things Budden and get a better understanding of the man who somehow seemed to understand me without ever knowing me.

I went back and listened to the all mood muziks, the first album, the mix tapes, the freestyles. I learned All of him, walked with him, calmed down with him, had downfalls with him, and learned that love is just not some ordinary shit. I watched my brother (an original Internet Soldier…not this “Buddenhive” the new kids speak of) on the Budden blogs and started to befriend people who too had a love and appreciation for his music. I learned about Jessica and the creep phone, the 6 in the morning convo, and the 5 year pass on the original love and hip hop known as JBTV.

I learned who Slaughterhouse was and in turn started learning about each artist individually along with their catalogs. I would hear features on songs and look into those artists and so on and before I knew it… I had a true and genuine love for what is Hip Hop and not the stuff that just gets air play. I learned there is much more to the “Pump it Up” guy and that I would have to defend my stance on him being one of the GOATs for the rest of my life because people are mind midgets and aren’t willing to go deep like I am. And so I grew with Joe and the JB community.

It in turn made me realize a lot of my own creative abilities. I started #vicksbuddenpix and served the Budden community it’s “Morning Cup of Joe” 3 days a week for a good 2-3 years via graphic designs I made with his photo and most fire lyrics. I also started my own podcast that I had for a bit. And I think the most powerful thing for me anyways, is it showed me my own ability and love for the pen myself. I haven’t quite done anything with that just yet but the gang of poems, spoken word pieces and letters I have in the arsenal are some of my greatest accomplishments to date and I don’t think I could have produced them without some influence of Mr.Budden.

“Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide”, a quote by D.W. Winncott and something I feel both Joe and I can relate to.  I know my voice and activeness within the community is not as prominent any more but I am always here and showing and speaking love from afar.

I also am so incredibly thankful for the friends that have in some ways become family through his music. The misfits. The loners. The black sheeps. The introverts. The odd balls. You are my people. You are my heart. You mean so so so much to me and I believe we all were brought together for great reason.

I am forever in debt to Joe for what he and the people he has brought to me through his music. I could not be more proud of him in his new endeavors and space that he is in. Despite typical “you just want Joe sad so you can keep getting emo music” rhetoric or people’s doubt that Joe has the ability to be happy, I want nothing more than that mans upmost happiness because of what he has given me…

Hope.

 

Twitter/IG: Vicious_Vick

 

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