The first song I ever heard by Joe Budden (aside from Pump It Up) was Devil In My Room. I found it by searching for songs featuring Crooked I.
For over 11 years now I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Hearing Joes verse and how that song was put together opened up the door for me to his music and his art. It all hit close to home, I continued that night downloading all his work and listening and breaking down lyrics.
I think i was a sophomore in high school at the time. I remember the second time I wanted to kill myself, I was in my car, on the highway that goes through the mountains playing Runaway, every word was hitting me, I was going 95 on a 55, ready to hit the wall and go off that mountain. I couldn’t even see the road, I remember tears and yelling and the feeling like I couldn’t breathe and the feeling of “I’m really about to do this.”
Before I knew it I was already back on the regular roads, I didn’t even realize I “missed” my opportunity… I kept driving for another 3 hours playing that song. I felt so alone but yet, I felt like someone understood the pain and the feeling of that loneliness.
The first time, I wanted to kill myself, Only Human was on, I have battled with my belief in God, I’m still unsure of where I stand. But that entire song, broke me down. Everything I couldn’t explain, was explained in that song. The conversations with his mother, the hook Emanny, had I dont think many understand not having faith, but praying for someone or something to come help you and lift you up and make you stronger.
You ever been to the point where you are hysterical? where you are laughing and have tears running down your face? where you have nothing but fear, because you’re afraid of yourself?
I was shaking, I was alone, but I had music.I had something to talk to me because i couldn’t talk to myself. I could go on and on and break down lyrics or songs by Joe that have helped me in dark times, even when I’ve just felt lost or confused with feelings i cant explain.
But music is powerful, its an art that many take for granted. Im grateful for artist that use their platform to help rather than profit. I relate to this man and his music, failed relationships, caring too much for people that don’t seem to have that same energy for you, but at the same time hurting those who care about you and acknowledging that, yet still doing it.
I struggle till this day at the age of 21, with this feeling, trying to be strong for my loved ones. Seeing where Joe came from, seeing all he struggled with, seeing how hated he was, to seeing him be accepted by the mainstream community. Its great to see, seeing Cyn and him, compared to where he was with Tahiry and Kailyn, its refreshing. When I first heard “I Wanna Know” I couldn’t stop playing it, hearing the words “God this was more like the fucking love I was looking for” brought out such a raw emotion. I want that, and I wanna live to see that for myself.
I may never be able to tell this to Joe, but Thank You for helping us, and helping me.
If you’re interested in sharing your story. You can do so here
EyeQuoteBudden 