I Was One Long Line Away From The Tetris… (@EyeQuoteBudden)

Words are powerful.

I was never good at being able to express my feelings and my emotions. There were few to none who understood me, and if they did, it would soon be used against me and I’d be kicked to the curb.

It was a never-ending cycle trying to find comfort in a world where I felt so distant.

As we all know, we suck at explaining how we feel or how depression took over. I mean, that’s why we are all Budden fans in the first place so we wouldn’t have to explain it but I’ll do my best, haha.

I can’t pinpoint the exact time I started listening to Joe’s music. I had known about Slaughterhouse, but I probably jumped on his solo stuff later than most. I’m not going to lie and say I was there for the release of the debut album or Mood Muzik 2 because I wasn’t, but dammit it did not take me long to do my research.

Someone who was able to describe the darkest times and the deepest of demons they faced on a daily basis made my stomach drop. It felt like for the first time, someone shared the same sentiments.

You know those people who say “I understand” but you know they really don’t get it? Yeah, this wasn’t that. It was different, very different.

I created this Twitter account (Formerly known as @_BuddenQuotes) five years ago this past October. I created the account because I tweeted way too much depressing stuff on my own Twitter account and none of my friends would understand it even if I tried to explain it to them. Various people would ask if I was okay, but again, nobody understood the concept of my thoughts. They were too twisted for a kid who was supposed to be enjoying life.

I wanted to connect with other people who felt the same passion in music that I did. I wanted to tweet out lyrics and music where nobody would judge me or laugh at me. I cared that much.

I have met some of the most incredible people on that app. You all have no idea. Some of my best friends to this date all exist because of the same interest – Joe Budden’s Music.

For years, depression kicked my ass. What’s tough to explain to people is I grew up in a household where there were no issues. My parents are still married, my grandparents on both sides watched me graduate from high school and college, and I lived comfortably my whole life.

The upperclassmen years are where things started and unraveled for the next number of years. I told myself I wasn’t going to put any Budden quotes in this piece but you know the lyric “Got ruined in my youth when the first one got the best of me. When she said she’d never leave then she left… Fuck y’all expect of me?”

Yeah, that one hit me hard years later. My issues started with relationships. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I cared and loved hard, and I hit the ground way too many times yet never learned from it.

There were two women I got absolutely traumatized over and it ruined me forever. Time, thoughts and feelings were invested on both sides and I couldn’t ever comprehend how someone would just up and quit on you with no explanation.

There were multiple people I got involved with and no matter how I handled things, I was treated like shit. No apology, no closure, nothing. This wasn’t a one or two time thing, it happened over and over. There was a feeling of resentment, and that I wasn’t good enough for anything. Those are dark days.

When you think you’ve found that person and you get stabbed in the back, there’s a feeling that absolutely nothing will cure it. Friends came, friends left, it became normality. You think you found this cure, but one day it no longer exists. All the work you put in and you’re back to square one. I was one long line away from the Tetris…

For a number of years, I turned to abusing pills and grabbed anything I could get my hands on. Nothing incredibly serious but enough to get me through the day. The dangers became the nights where I would mix them with alcohol. Doctors would prescribe anti-depressants but they only made me worse.

My most serious relationship came in college. It was on and off and incredibly unhealthy. I had told her about my addiction, and after a breakup when I gave her pills I had on me because I didn’t trust myself, she threw them back in my face.

You know those distinct times in your life when you remember you were at the lowest of lows? I can pick the times and places on one hand.

I tried to show a lot of people over the years what I listened to and I would get weird responses or reactions. There was no point of trying, but I figured Joe could explain it better than me!

Many days my heart was heavy and my brain would move 110 MPH. I would overthink things and I would dwell on stuff way too long.

There were multiple times I considered ending things once and for all. There was a time around Christmas where one of my best friends knew about my struggles and he was on one of those day one guys who had been supportive and was always there when needed.

As life has it, two weeks following a conversation with him, his younger brother took his own life. I felt like shit. I didn’t know what to say, or how to be there for him.

Here I am talking about my struggles, and this happens? Why God? What are you trying to show me? What are you trying to tell me? WHY ARE YOU HURTING PEOPLE AROUND ME INSTEAD OF ME?

The premise of this isn’t about all the people I’ve lost over the years because we all have lost loved ones and friends and it doesn’t make it easier for one person over the other.

Though, 2017 was rough for me in that department. Some things will never be the same for me again after losing one of my best friends, losing my grandfather, and watching my love for Linkin Park remain more than ever after getting my heart ripped out of my chest.

The music from Joe allowed me to cope. It allowed me to cry. It allowed me to laugh. And it sure as hell allowed me to scream some “Fuck you’s” in a couple different directions.

I found a passion with writing. I would vent out my own thoughts, put them in poem form or song form. It was a way of escaping and creating my own OLS version of something.

For those wondering, “Runaway” is probably still the song to this day that I most relate to.

I can truly and honestly say that I do not know where I would be today without music from Mouse. I hold music at such a high regard across the board. It means the world to me. Much more than ANYONE will understand. Except for you all.

As for me today, I’m better than I have ever been. A couple years back I voiced my concerns to my parents and I come to find out, I am part of a family who has a history of depression. Who knew? I visited a therapist for some time and it allowed me to vent and share things I haven’t shared before.

I love hearing people’s thoughts or seeing their reactions when sharing such personal situations. The moment I get preached at, critiqued or criticized, I shut down. I don’t want to hear it. Talk to me like a human being and give me insight. Not the same “you just need to do this” bullshit and it’ll all be fine. That’s not how this works. At all.

I don’t abuse pills anymore. Just passed the four-year mark staying clean in that area, which is a blessing.

I know a lot of you would like to know the real me, the guy behind the account. I’ve chosen to remain anonymous, with the exception of alerting a chosen few, about who I am for a couple reasons.

I never created this account to send people over to my personal account. It was never to build followers or anything like that and I never wanted it to be viewed that way.

Second, I have real conversations with a lot of you with no bias or judgement of who I really am coming into play. It’s strictly ‘EQB’ and someone else who I can level with. The conversations and connections I have strictly on the level of music are one of a kind and I always wanted it to remain that way, having the same love in music and support for each other (Not saying any of you would change your views, but it’s just how I’ve viewed it).

There will come a day where I will share it. I promise. It may come as a surprise to most of you, but I haven’t been to a Joe Budden show and I have yet to meet him. I still have a goal to meet him some day and tell him in person. That would be kinda dope to me. Long shot, but you never know.

I feel like I’m leaving a lot out of this. I didn’t really want to dive into all kinds of songs and lyrics and albums because I’d be here all day. We can revisit that one day if you’d like. If you all have questions, thoughts, suggestions, I’m open to it all.

I have appreciated every one of you who has sent in their stories and I hope more of you continue to do the same. This platform I created, isn’t for me, it’s for YOU. Nobody is abnormal, nobody needs to feel like an outcast, we are all family.

 

Thank you for being you.

 

-EQB