Darkness. Emptiness. Loneliness. All too familiar and I've felt them all for as long as I could remember. But one thing that has always been a consistent painkiller for me.... Music. Eminem was my introduction to rap music and man did it change my life. The song was "Kim" (crazy way to get into rap) but it amazed me what an artist could put on a song. My parents always listened to soft rock, so that's all I knew until my older cousin played that song for me as a joke. I instantly wanted to hear more and more. Eminem got me through a lot growing up. His openness and rhyming ability drew me in and helped me escape reality. I listened to his music daily and wouldn't go anywhere without my headphones and CD player. As a kid, I've always felt different from others. I couldn't express myself, I couldn't relate to them. So I spent a lot of time watching and studying people be "normal." It helped me put on a "mask" in public and act like how social people are expected to. Although there was one person I could talk to, one person that knew I was a little different. My grandmother. She would talk to me and help me because she knew I was troubled inside. Unfortunately she suffered a stroke when I was about 6 years old and she lost the ability to speak clearly. (She lost control of the left side of her body, right side of her brain). This was devastating for me because I lost those conversations. It was around this time where I truly felt depression. It scared me because everyday was a struggle to maintain some type of happiness. I was able to make close friends who shared my passion in music, especially Eminem. This helped for a long time. Then my grandmother passed away when I was 13. I was listening to "Sing for the Moment" by Eminem when it happened. I heard my mom's screams and cries from downstairs. I paused the song and knew what had happened but I thought if I kept playing the song and stayed upstairs, then it wouldn't be true. As long as the music was on, my grandmother was alive. My dad came upstairs and told me the truth. It was the first time I saw him cry. It broke me, I went downstairs and saw my grandmother's body on the couch, no longer with us. I cried for the rest of the night and begged God to take me instead. I spent the next few years with weekly thoughts of suicide. Some days better than others but the feelings were always there. I felt numb a lot. I knew I was really messed up mentally when I found out I was adopted and felt nothing. (I found the paperwork in my parent's room). I still haven't told my parents that I know. But then I saw lyrics on my timeline one night. "Don't know if I'm fighting my demons or going to dinner with them" - Joe Budden. I was drawn to this, so naturally I took a deep dive into Joe's discography. All the Mood Muziks, all the albums, and Slaughterhouse. (Who I heard of when they signed to Shady Records) Joe's music brought me out of those suicidal thoughts, the music made me feel normal. I stopped doing drugs and cut back on drinking (I did a lot in high school because I thought it would help.) I didn't feel alone. It amazed me that someone with so much pain was willing to share it with everyone. Black Cloud was the one for me. It's still my favorite song by Joe. Only Human was another song that brought tears to my eyes. My favorite artist knew the pain that could bring you to almost take your own life. And he shared it with his fans. "Music is just what feelings sound like," is one of my favorite lyrics because it perfectly describes music, especially Joe's. I showed his music to my current girlfriend (another damaged soul) His music has helped maintain our relationship and it helps her understand me more. We've been to multiple of his concerts and each one has been an amazing experience. So many hurt people in one room. One of the greatest things that has happened to me was meeting Joe and asking for the chance to perform Black Cloud with him on stage. Joe changed his set around and brought me on stage to perform the first verse. Indescribable is the only way to describe how that moment felt. I performed my favorite song with my favorite artist. Probably true happiness. I remember my girlfriend looking at me that night and telling me that she never felt that positive energy from me until that night. I have a picture of me on stage with Joe that I blew up and made into a poster. I put it on the wall next to me bed to remind that I can be happy. That depression can go away and cease to exist in moments of life. Joe has helped so many of his fans and I hope he realizes that. It's truly great to see him in a more positive place in life with Cyn, Trey, and now Lexington. Mentally, I'm in a much better place today thanks to his music and Eminem's in the early years. His happiness today gives me hope that one day, I too will conquer and make peace with my depression. I thank Joe for being selfless and sharing his pain which in turn has helped relieve a lot of mine. It saved me and continues to do so. Anybody out there relate to my pain, turn the music up, let me know that I'm sane!! The music is all the way up Joe. Want to submit you story? You can do so here.
I Was One Long Line Away From The Tetris… (@EyeQuoteBudden)
Words are powerful.
I was never good at being able to express my feelings and my emotions. There were few to none who understood me, and if they did, it would soon be used against me and I’d be kicked to the curb.
It was a never-ending cycle trying to find comfort in a world where I felt so distant.
As we all know, we suck at explaining how we feel or how depression took over. I mean, that’s why we are all Budden fans in the first place so we wouldn’t have to explain it but I’ll do my best, haha.
I can’t pinpoint the exact time I started listening to Joe’s music. I had known about Slaughterhouse, but I probably jumped on his solo stuff later than most. I’m not going to lie and say I was there for the release of the debut album or Mood Muzik 2 because I wasn’t, but dammit it did not take me long to do my research.
Someone who was able to describe the darkest times and the deepest of demons they faced on a daily basis made my stomach drop. It felt like for the first time, someone shared the same sentiments.
You know those people who say “I understand” but you know they really don’t get it? Yeah, this wasn’t that. It was different, very different.
I created this Twitter account (Formerly known as @_BuddenQuotes) five years ago this past October. I created the account because I tweeted way too much depressing stuff on my own Twitter account and none of my friends would understand it even if I tried to explain it to them. Various people would ask if I was okay, but again, nobody understood the concept of my thoughts. They were too twisted for a kid who was supposed to be enjoying life.
I wanted to connect with other people who felt the same passion in music that I did. I wanted to tweet out lyrics and music where nobody would judge me or laugh at me. I cared that much.
I have met some of the most incredible people on that app. You all have no idea. Some of my best friends to this date all exist because of the same interest – Joe Budden’s Music.
For years, depression kicked my ass. What’s tough to explain to people is I grew up in a household where there were no issues. My parents are still married, my grandparents on both sides watched me graduate from high school and college, and I lived comfortably my whole life.
The upperclassmen years are where things started and unraveled for the next number of years. I told myself I wasn’t going to put any Budden quotes in this piece but you know the lyric “Got ruined in my youth when the first one got the best of me. When she said she’d never leave then she left… Fuck y’all expect of me?”
Yeah, that one hit me hard years later. My issues started with relationships. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I cared and loved hard, and I hit the ground way too many times yet never learned from it.
There were two women I got absolutely traumatized over and it ruined me forever. Time, thoughts and feelings were invested on both sides and I couldn’t ever comprehend how someone would just up and quit on you with no explanation.
There were multiple people I got involved with and no matter how I handled things, I was treated like shit. No apology, no closure, nothing. This wasn’t a one or two time thing, it happened over and over. There was a feeling of resentment, and that I wasn’t good enough for anything. Those are dark days.
When you think you’ve found that person and you get stabbed in the back, there’s a feeling that absolutely nothing will cure it. Friends came, friends left, it became normality. You think you found this cure, but one day it no longer exists. All the work you put in and you’re back to square one. I was one long line away from the Tetris…
For a number of years, I turned to abusing pills and grabbed anything I could get my hands on. Nothing incredibly serious but enough to get me through the day. The dangers became the nights where I would mix them with alcohol. Doctors would prescribe anti-depressants but they only made me worse.
My most serious relationship came in college. It was on and off and incredibly unhealthy. I had told her about my addiction, and after a breakup when I gave her pills I had on me because I didn’t trust myself, she threw them back in my face.
You know those distinct times in your life when you remember you were at the lowest of lows? I can pick the times and places on one hand.
I tried to show a lot of people over the years what I listened to and I would get weird responses or reactions. There was no point of trying, but I figured Joe could explain it better than me!
Many days my heart was heavy and my brain would move 110 MPH. I would overthink things and I would dwell on stuff way too long.
There were multiple times I considered ending things once and for all. There was a time around Christmas where one of my best friends knew about my struggles and he was on one of those day one guys who had been supportive and was always there when needed.
As life has it, two weeks following a conversation with him, his younger brother took his own life. I felt like shit. I didn’t know what to say, or how to be there for him.
Here I am talking about my struggles, and this happens? Why God? What are you trying to show me? What are you trying to tell me? WHY ARE YOU HURTING PEOPLE AROUND ME INSTEAD OF ME?
The premise of this isn’t about all the people I’ve lost over the years because we all have lost loved ones and friends and it doesn’t make it easier for one person over the other.
Though, 2017 was rough for me in that department. Some things will never be the same for me again after losing one of my best friends, losing my grandfather, and watching my love for Linkin Park remain more than ever after getting my heart ripped out of my chest.
The music from Joe allowed me to cope. It allowed me to cry. It allowed me to laugh. And it sure as hell allowed me to scream some “Fuck you’s” in a couple different directions.
I found a passion with writing. I would vent out my own thoughts, put them in poem form or song form. It was a way of escaping and creating my own OLS version of something.
For those wondering, “Runaway” is probably still the song to this day that I most relate to.
I can truly and honestly say that I do not know where I would be today without music from Mouse. I hold music at such a high regard across the board. It means the world to me. Much more than ANYONE will understand. Except for you all.
As for me today, I’m better than I have ever been. A couple years back I voiced my concerns to my parents and I come to find out, I am part of a family who has a history of depression. Who knew? I visited a therapist for some time and it allowed me to vent and share things I haven’t shared before.
I love hearing people’s thoughts or seeing their reactions when sharing such personal situations. The moment I get preached at, critiqued or criticized, I shut down. I don’t want to hear it. Talk to me like a human being and give me insight. Not the same “you just need to do this” bullshit and it’ll all be fine. That’s not how this works. At all.
I don’t abuse pills anymore. Just passed the four-year mark staying clean in that area, which is a blessing.
I know a lot of you would like to know the real me, the guy behind the account. I’ve chosen to remain anonymous, with the exception of alerting a chosen few, about who I am for a couple reasons.
I never created this account to send people over to my personal account. It was never to build followers or anything like that and I never wanted it to be viewed that way.
Second, I have real conversations with a lot of you with no bias or judgement of who I really am coming into play. It’s strictly ‘EQB’ and someone else who I can level with. The conversations and connections I have strictly on the level of music are one of a kind and I always wanted it to remain that way, having the same love in music and support for each other (Not saying any of you would change your views, but it’s just how I’ve viewed it).
There will come a day where I will share it. I promise. It may come as a surprise to most of you, but I haven’t been to a Joe Budden show and I have yet to meet him. I still have a goal to meet him some day and tell him in person. That would be kinda dope to me. Long shot, but you never know.
I feel like I’m leaving a lot out of this. I didn’t really want to dive into all kinds of songs and lyrics and albums because I’d be here all day. We can revisit that one day if you’d like. If you all have questions, thoughts, suggestions, I’m open to it all.
I have appreciated every one of you who has sent in their stories and I hope more of you continue to do the same. This platform I created, isn’t for me, it’s for YOU. Nobody is abnormal, nobody needs to feel like an outcast, we are all family.
Thank you for being you.
-EQB
From A Boy To A Man (@indigo_alex)
I discovered Joe Budden’s music right before the “Halfway House” album. As a super shy and awkward 12 year old boy struggling to find his place, I was very impressionable, and music seemed to speak to me far greater than any teacher or mentor did. I had been binging on Eminem, 50 Cent and T.I.
music for the few years prior to finding Joe’s catalog. But what I quickly discovered with Joe’s music, is that he spoke from the heart far different than any other artist, and that his introspection was admirable.
He was an underdog and a regular man, who happened to be very gifted at rapping and used his platform to let people into his life. Ironically, I originally gravitated toward Joe’s music not for therapeutic reasons, but because of how amazing of an emcee he was.
Maybe it was because I was just too young to fully understand the subject matter. And then one day I hear him say “Why try to fit in when you’re a standout?.” Damn. That became etched into my brain the first time I heard “Just 2 Be Different” and became my personal motto moving forward. Music in general had always been a crutch
for me, but as I got a bit older that crutch eventually felt like the only thing keeping me up.
So let’s fast forward to 2010: I was a kid in high school growing into a young adult and
experiencing a bit of the good and bad sides of life. It was around this time I had really started having bouts with depression, but not quite understanding exactly what it was. I found myself hiding it with no known way to release the pressure; scared to ever let someone know my weaknesses.
Listening to music was the only real way I felt sane. I felt like I had to act normal, so blending in like I was fine became easy, despite those words of “Just 2 Be Different” echoing in my head. Underneath my sports-playing, funny,
likeable personality was somebody tortured.
“Mood Muzik 4” had now just dropped, and that was precisely the moment my life and worldview would change entirely. It’s not that what Joe was doing conceptually was vastly different than previous projects, but the lyrics of MM4 spoke to me more than any other body of work ever did. “Black Cloud” felt like it was wrote for me to hear it. His voice is what I vicariously lived through, because I felt comfort in knowing there was somebody out there feeling a similar way. His words lifted me up when I felt low, gave me life when I questioned my existence, and brought light to the darkest corners of the
mind; a place that I never expected I could confront alone. He made me feel like I wasn’t suffering by myself and taught me the lessons I required to grow; just as he was. The last part of high school and the couple years following was when my depression started really getting scary and dangerous.
There were times the idea of dying heavily dominated my thoughts, but having Joe’s music nearby was like the sliver of hope that kept pushing me. I continually turned to MM4 (and other Joe music too) as my escape. He also coached me through relationship problems and heartbreak. It’s no surprise other fans call him a therapist, because listening to his music makes it actually feel like there’s someone in your corner to
help you get through shit.
I could have selected a million bars from different songs that Joe has said which helped me in some way or another. I could have wrote ten more pages of this. But no amount of words or examples can highlight just what Joe did for me. His music first came at the time in my life when I needed it most.
But let’s not get it twisted, I’ve stayed listening to him religiously. His words continue to speak to me daily, and he remains my most-listened to artist by far. Being a 22 year old man now I still have bouts with depression, but I’m hopeful the worst has already peaked and it only will get more manageable to live with. Confidently and proudly I can say Joe’s music had a massive role in my improvement. So now, seeing where Joe is at in his life, has been inspiring because us fans know how hard the road was for him
to get there. And for many of us, his underdog story has similar chapters to ours. I listen to him and feel the same way now as I did when I was a pre-teen and young adult. The music is timeless.
If he had never picked up a pen many years ago and started rapping, I’m honestly not sure where I’d be today. So to Joe Budden, the GOAT and the man who unknowingly saved my life on multiple occasions, I just had to quickly say thank you for everything.
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“…they need to hear me”
It was early 2005, which puts me at 19 years old. Coming into my own, in college, and away from everything I’ve ever known. Around these times, you figure yourself out. I came across Joe’s music at this time. Well, at least now with an open mind. I quickly realized exactly who he was through his words. I was honestly shocked at what he described over and over. It was like, damn, I’m not alone in this feeling. I instantly went back and covered everything I missed prior of his. Battling through my own demons, his words lifted me through everything I ever felt or went through.
Fast forward. Now 31 years of age. Same person, a few different demons. Through the years, I was a big as a Budden fan as the next person in his following. At this point, he mentally bailed me out of everything through my twenties and as a grown man, he still did. I mean, it was tough being a Joe fan, explaining to people why he’s a better emcee than 99% of the rappers they would mention. But if you know, you just know. But none of that mattered to me. I felt like I had a gem with his music. Instant therapy sessions when I needed them. As we moved along through the years, we grow. I understand growth better because of him. He showed me how to deal with my issues. Pain shared is pain lessoned. How to open new doors, how to stay calm, & how its okay to be yourself.
So nearing 15 years of having Joe as a therapist, I realized he’s so much bigger than a rapper. What an insult to even call him that. He’s an artist who painted a picture nobody wanted to talk about. He opened that door for us. He saved so many of us. Everyone in their own unique way. Depression and relationship problems is where Joe came through for me. I could list a million lyrics, a thousand songs, and how each one resinated with me. But I assume if you’re reading this, you already know. He opened the doors to his life and let us watch. I’ve never seen anyone do that. It made me feel normal that I wasn’t the only one. I was just hiding it and thats a dark place to be. You threw a hand out when you didn’t have to. Maybe you didn’t even know you were doing so. Maybe you were just battling your own things. Either way, you made life easier when it was hard.
Finally, a thank you would never suffice for whats been done over the years for so many of us. You owe us nothing. We owe you a lot more than we could ever give to you.You made it okay not to be okay. That did more than you would ever know for me. Your words are immortal to us. Joe did an interview once where he said “ Love & Hip Hop fans need to see me, Joe Budden fans could give a fuck about that…. they need to hear me”. This couldn’t be any more accurate. Well, we heard you, and we thank you.
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“The Mission has been great”
I never really thought his music would mean as much to me as it does over the years. When I was younger joe was just now appearing on the scene with pump it up and fire I knew about pump it up and I kinda knew who joe was because I had the video game def jam vendetta he was on it lol so even though I’m 5-6 years old I was exposed to all these artists. I listened to slaughterhouse for the first time when I was 10 it was “the one” I didn’t get into their stuff it was just a song that I just enjoyed and randomly heard in a video. Fast forward to 7th grade the year I started beginning to write rhymes and consider rap as s profession
I heard the bet cypher from 2011 for the first time and I realized who slaughterhouse was not them as individuals but I learned that they’re who I heard 3 years ago at age 10 I’m 13 at the time and it sparked something in me I wanted to push my lyrical ability to their levels and I tried consistently welcome to our house was a pinnacle.
During that year I had a female I was very attached to and loved and suffered over like any other teenager or human and so it was around late spring early summer 2013 at the time I started digging into joe’s solo work no love lost came out on my birthday that year too I think I could be wrong but so I started with loose quarter the first ever joe project I heard from start to finish.. I was taken away just by words of a chameleon. But so as musically therapeutic as it was it made me push myself to write about my own problems situations etc with my own ability I honestly felt like I reached joe’s caliber as a lyricist lol 13 year old me but that mentality has stated for years and years. But the more I listened the more attached I got to his music and admired him as a human being. I listened to everything or thought I did I still discover old freestyles and songs I slept on or never heard of lol I know songs he prob doesn’t remember he released lmao.
But anyways so to sum up this whole section of the story was that joe got me through middle school and high school his music changed my life and a lot of kids my age don’t look at him the way I do or appreciate him to such a degree he’s undoubtedly one of the greatest artists of my generations time. For nearly 2 decades. For years I waited and kinda fantasized what it’d be like to meet and see him perform like it was my lifelong wish.. Then the “final” lol tour happened.
The closest city to Virginia beach on that tour was DC. Howard theater. My mom paid 100 something dollars maybe more to drive 4 hours for me to meet and see the man that changed and saved my life perform. And I’ve seen many artists in my life been to many shows.. There’s nothing like a joe budden concert. The meeting him part wasn’t even the highlight which I’ll get to in a bit as amazing and surreal as it was… Nothing will compare to the amazing kind hearted die hard joe budden fans I met and bonded with that night. Jake, Charlie, lakesha, nick, and mark. All of us still in contact after the show but the fact joe United so many strangers I think I was the youngest despite how old i looked compared to the adults there lol that intended but all of us bonded over our love for music and joe budden music. That’s a memory I’ll forever hold in my heart.
And as for the meet and greet.. God I was so anxious and excited yet calm when I spoke to him. Telling him how thankful I was and how he’s changed my life I’m his sons age I think so me being as young as I was which was 16 when I met him wasn’t really a shock as I’d expect but after talking music and stories about songs he’s had I enjoy i managed to get a good joe laugh out lol.
I asked him about an old gem called “better off without you” he was impressed about my knowledge of his discography and he said when he released that I was like 1 or 2 and I think my response was “well we got YouTube now so I was technically like 13” which I think I was lol but it was something along that and it made him crack up which meant a lot. And after getting him to sign my slaughterhouse hoodie we took a picture and I gave him a dap/hug before waiting in the crowd and for the show to start.
He has came to Virginia few times after that for the rage tour but it was age restricted unfortunately but I’m still forever grateful for that experience. This was my joe budden life changing story and my exposure to him. The mission has been great.. And the day he does finally hang up the jersey we can all be happy and content with the amazing career he’s had and the impacts he’s had on all of us.
IG: b.fazzzooo
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All I Would Say is… “Thank You” (@IamBogart)
Like most rap fans I became aware of Joe Budden when I first saw the Pump it Up video. I was like that dude is nice and the song was catchy.
I thought nothing else of it cause at the time I was No Limit, Cash Money, Bad Boy and Jay-z crazy.
It took me to get locked up and have to do 5 years straight to become a true fan.This is 2002 at the time. One of the inmates in the prison I was in had Joe Budden first album on cassette tape.
He let me listen to it and I damn near broke his tape from playing it so much. Walk with me, 10 minutes, calm down, RRR, hit home.
I was in prison with guys with football numbers. When I got out in 06, I went back to whatever was hot at the time. I came across Joe’s mixtapes and became a fan all over again.
Fast forward to 2013 and my 18 year old daughter gets locked up for murder. I bring that up because up until that point I was going through similar bs with my baby momma just like Joe did. After her incarceration I became depressed and suicidal. Black cloud, momma said, broken wings, aftermath, and many other songs help me through my depression.
Growing up in the hood like many guys I too wanted to be a rapper and continued to write while I was locked up. When Joe came out with all love lost I had an idea from watching battle rappers use schemes in their battles, to use Joe Budden song titles to create a piece to give to him at his concert.
I got to the meet and greet late but Parks got Joe to sign it for me. I knew then that this was my way to show my writing skills. Since my first Joe Budden piece I have made pieces for Jim Jones, Jadakiss, Curren$y and Dave East. If it wasn’t for Joe Budden inspiring me through his music I never would have met many of my favorite artists.
When Joe Budden released Rage and the Machine I redid his piece and gave it to him at his show. My grandma passed away this March. She was my sun, my everything and I became depressed again. Once again Joe Budden’s music helped me get through that tough time and on the days since then that I find myself missing her so much.
He is truly one of the G.O.A.T. ‘S. I know I’m not the only one who has been touched by his music. I am truly a Joe Budden Stan and if I ever meet him again all I would say is thank you for making music that regular people dealing with regular problems can relate to.
I must admit I am one of the fans who miss emo Joe and would love a OLS 5 and I can remember Joe tweeting that he may never find love and true happiness in a relationship before he met Cyn. I may want more emo Joe but I’m happy that he found happiness and is now an inspiration to those going through depression that there is sunshine after the Black Cloud.
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I’ll cut it short, before I start feelin’ like a Stan (@99SpaceKid)
As a kid, my older sister would turn to MTV to listen to music before we headed off to school. One of the songs that stuck out to me was Mocking Bird by Eminem.
Years after, I met a friend who had My Band by D12 on his iPod. A few more years go by, and I hear Not Afraid by Eminem on the radio; his skill/wordplay made me a fan. I began to searching for more of Em’s music and in 2013, I stumbled upon the Shady 2.0 Cypher. Joe’s verse caught my attention with his punchlines that weren’t over-the-head but extremely clever :
Say I’m from the new school/
I’ma say, “Check your tone and watch your mouth!”/
If they teachin’ how to Dougie, I’m condonin’ droppin’ out/
You Super Mario thugs is in the wrong room/
Gotta figure here you won’t get bigger if you on shrooms
Is it me, or is what I’m hearing just pitiful?/
Airwaves the same, now the stereo’s typical/
My skin’s thick, so the critics ignored/
So unafraid to die you’d think I did it before/
Along with each member’s verse rivaling Em’s, I decided I needed to hear more from the rappers.
After learning the group’s name, I began diving into Slaughterhouse and found songs Move on and Monsters In My Head; I felt their emotions while they kept it lyrically preeminent (e.g. Playing with the monsters like a Space Jam sequel).
Early in my youth, I became aware that I wasn’t the social type and found myself secluding myself from people and felt comfortable alone. I noticed that that wasn’t the case all the time, there were moments where I looked to be the center of attention. Where i would hope to be the recognized as the class clown.
I held my breath the entire time listening to Monsters in Head. I listened to the song at least three times back-to-back before school one morning. I felt as if the song was written about me, who else hid behind jokes? Who else couldn’t focus in school because they couldn’t sleep the night prior?
This was the beginning of my freshmen year in highschool. Towards the end of the first semester, I lost a friend in a car accident, I tried not to let it get me down but it did and that depressed state lasted a very long time, longer than usual; it got to the point that it wasn’t even about the loss anymore. I started constantly feeling tired. I felt like I wasn’t in control anymore and floated through my days.
I was aware that I wasn’t okay, but I didn’t think I had to seek help and decided it was something that would fix itself with time. This brought about another episode of withdrawal and I needed to be alone. I’m not a fan of venting because of my lack of trust in people so I had Joe vent for me on Black Cloud. I felt that no one knew me or that i didn’t understand myself even with being aware of some characteristics.
A bit down the road, I discovered Joe’s Mood Muzik 4 and his words on Sober Up described how I perceived myself to be:
Half the time I’m arrogant, other times I’m vengeful/
At times it’s to convince me, at times it’s to convince you/
Done a lot of wrong but I ain’t never felt resentful/
It’s been so many times, I lost track of who to repent to/
Half the time I’m in the cut, don’t want you to notice me/
Grow with me and you’ll see that I’m only awkward socially/
Half the time I’m spiteful, double barrel rifle/
I owe so many payback, I feel like I got a right to/
I had found a song that reflected me. Before slaughterhouse, I listened to some Linkin Park (RIP Chester) and Kid Cudi. Their music is also known to help people through their difficult times but wasn’t as relatable to me quite like Joe’s music.
Songs like Hiatus, Castle, Stuck In The Moment, Only Human, Black Cloud, Different Love and Skeletons helped me escape my confusion, anger, and anxiety.
His lyrics, I’m sure, helped a lot of people though their own difficult times, seeing them state their gratitude in the YouTube comment sections.
Joe, along with the rest of Slaughterhouse, reignited my love for bars and appreciation of content. They gave so many quotables. Their transparency and humility in their music made it feel as they’re having a conversation with me. Which in itself was very therapeutic. I feel indebted for the help they provided me, leaving me with one thing left to say:
Thanks, Joe, for helping me out in whatever i was going through. Thus, I feel like I got the most important part of Joe. (Pause).
P.S. Joe, Leak the Glasshouse Album.
-Miguel, the SpaceKid.
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Please Somebody Help My Soul… (@Exxxes)
It was 2008 and my world as I knew it took a turn.
I know how cliche and dramatic that may sound, but thats honestly how I felt. Everything around me was changing. I guess depression just stepped in, and took over shit like it’s known to do. I started to distance myself from everyone. It’s like my whole mind flipped a switch. I felt nothing. No matter what I took.
Well one day I was at the little corner store by my house buying blunts and they were playing Mr. Mister’s “Broken Wings.” I left and went about my business but I had the chorus stuck in my head. I just kept saying it to myself over and over.
So I did what everyone else was doing back in 2008. I went to Limewire and searched for the song. I downloaded 3 or 4 of them to compare the quality or see if it was one of those damn Bill Clinton messages. Well one of them happened to be Joe Budden’s “Broken Wings.”
Now I’m not going to lie, I laughed for a moment at the fact that he still made music after the whole “Pump It Up” just like anyone who isn’t aware of his talent. But I gave it a chance. I figured it wasn’t going to kill me. And my curiosity got the best of me.
I turned up my speakers on my laptop and pushed play. It started off with Mr. Mister but I already figured it was a sample he used. So I kept listening and then here came Joe. The voices ain’t leave yet, their just getting their feet wet. Eyes red, I’m up, ain’t been to sleep yet. Damn near two days ain’t even eat yet. And I stopped the song.
I had to go back a couple seconds (9 if we’re being technical) and replay it again. I couldn’t believe that in a matter of seconds this man single handily described me in that moment.
I continued to listen to the song and felt this immense amount of emotions fall over me. Let me teach you a little something ’bout depression. Ain’t shit you could do to me I ain’t already thought about doing to myself. And I cried.
Because I was at that point in my life where I contemplated whether or not if I wanted to be alive. And in that moment, he saved my life.
After the song finished, I played it again. And probably a hundred times after that. I listened to it until I knew it word for word. I even looked up the lyrics to make sure I had the words right. It was like from my heart through his words, he understood.
Fast forward to a year later, 2009. By now I’m stanning for Joe and trying to put everyone I know, or rather those who stuck around, on to Joe’s music. I always started them where I first discovered him, Broken Wings. Some laughed me off while the selected few I really wanted to share his music with felt what I did when they listened to him.
By now it’s getting closer to Padded Room’s release. I was so excited that I took the day off work just so I could go to Best Buy and get my copy. I wanted to be sure to show my support. Plus, I needed some new Joe in my life. Especially considering that it was that time again where everything went dark.
I got my copy and immediately put it in my CD player in my car. And I played it start to finish until I got home. When I did, I played it on my laptop. I listened to it over and over. Now I know that album wasn’t popular amongst a lot of fans, but at that time, it was something I needed which is why it means something to me.
Exxxes turned out to be my favorite song. Now I know a lot of people thought the song was about a woman named Ashley. Especially considering that’s what he says. She don’t got a name so for now let’s call her Ashley. But I knew it was more than that.
After a year of listening to nothing but Joe nonstop, I knew that there was much more. And then I figured it out. Know everything about her though we never had a convo. Pops wasn’t around much, her mother raised her. Got so much in common that I don’t like to face her. And once again, in that moment he saved me.
I know that Joe hears that a lot. How he has impacted so many lives. But I personally want to thank him for saving me from myself. Had it not been for him and his music, I would not be here today. Life is not easy. Especially with living with depression. But because of Joe’s music, I’ve found a way to get through even my darkest days. And for that, I am forever thankful.
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Hope for the Hopeless
They say you have never really lived until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.
I’m sure looking back to when Joe first picked up a mic, his intentions and thought process wasn’t “I am going to save lives doing this”. I don’t think all artists are able to cultivate and share their craft in such a way that the outcome is the reason someone is still alive today. It definitely takes a special type of person…not just your average Joe if you know what I mean.
I’ve had the opportunity on a small scale to look Joe Budden in the eyes via meet and greets, and thank him from the bottom of my broken heart for keeping me alive and more importantly to me, keeping my brother alive. My brother was born with a genetic lung disease called Cystic Fibrosis (CF) that hospitalizes him many months out of the year EVERY year. The amount of adversity, uncertainties, pain, suffering and unfairness I’ve watched this kid bear his 26 years of life is insurmountable. To me, there is not another soul stronger. In turn, his health along with my own issues life has thrown at me has forced me to grow up quicker than I should have, bear more than I should have, and experience way more than I ever should have in my 28 years of life. But as weird as it sounds, I’m thankful for it.
These are the cards we’ve been dealt and it has brought us closer and made us stronger than ever and in so many times of complete and utter disparity and hopelessness, the two of us have found comfort, calm, and REASON to pull through to the next day using Joe’s music as the catalyst. In Joe’s exact words in response to a letter my brother gave him years ago he’s, “Providing hope for the hopeless.”
My brother was the first person who introduced me to Joe’s music. At the time I had no real connection to any artist and truly didn’t have a real grasp on hip hop in general other than what was on the radio. I was (and still am if that’s any consolation) a walking contradiction. I was/am misunderstood but fought to be understood, at a standstill but moving at the speed of light, emotional but logical (both to a fault), not wanting to be heard but to be felt, deserving everything but nothing at all and overthinking it all every step of the way…
Then the song “Black Cloud” came on. I think I cried (like ugly Kim K cry) listening to it as corny as that may sound because it’s not really your “cry” type of song. I must of played it 1000 times driving from Georgia to Florida when my brother first played it for me. At one point he looked at me like, “umm…you do know he has other songs right? Like…ones just like this if not better/equally as relatable”. I still to this day do not have another song that tops Black Cloud for me but that song triggered something in me. I needed to go back and do homework so that I could somewhat stand with the day 1 fans that were there from the start. I wanted to learn all things Budden and get a better understanding of the man who somehow seemed to understand me without ever knowing me.
I went back and listened to the all mood muziks, the first album, the mix tapes, the freestyles. I learned All of him, walked with him, calmed down with him, had downfalls with him, and learned that love is just not some ordinary shit. I watched my brother (an original Internet Soldier…not this “Buddenhive” the new kids speak of) on the Budden blogs and started to befriend people who too had a love and appreciation for his music. I learned about Jessica and the creep phone, the 6 in the morning convo, and the 5 year pass on the original love and hip hop known as JBTV.
I learned who Slaughterhouse was and in turn started learning about each artist individually along with their catalogs. I would hear features on songs and look into those artists and so on and before I knew it… I had a true and genuine love for what is Hip Hop and not the stuff that just gets air play. I learned there is much more to the “Pump it Up” guy and that I would have to defend my stance on him being one of the GOATs for the rest of my life because people are mind midgets and aren’t willing to go deep like I am. And so I grew with Joe and the JB community.
It in turn made me realize a lot of my own creative abilities. I started #vicksbuddenpix and served the Budden community it’s “Morning Cup of Joe” 3 days a week for a good 2-3 years via graphic designs I made with his photo and most fire lyrics. I also started my own podcast that I had for a bit. And I think the most powerful thing for me anyways, is it showed me my own ability and love for the pen myself. I haven’t quite done anything with that just yet but the gang of poems, spoken word pieces and letters I have in the arsenal are some of my greatest accomplishments to date and I don’t think I could have produced them without some influence of Mr.Budden.
“Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide”, a quote by D.W. Winncott and something I feel both Joe and I can relate to. I know my voice and activeness within the community is not as prominent any more but I am always here and showing and speaking love from afar.
I also am so incredibly thankful for the friends that have in some ways become family through his music. The misfits. The loners. The black sheeps. The introverts. The odd balls. You are my people. You are my heart. You mean so so so much to me and I believe we all were brought together for great reason.
I am forever in debt to Joe for what he and the people he has brought to me through his music. I could not be more proud of him in his new endeavors and space that he is in. Despite typical “you just want Joe sad so you can keep getting emo music” rhetoric or people’s doubt that Joe has the ability to be happy, I want nothing more than that mans upmost happiness because of what he has given me…
Hope.
Twitter/IG: Vicious_Vick
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